On Koos Kombuis’ classic 1994 album Elke Boemelaar Se Droom you’ll find some priceless radio interludes between the tracks. One of them is where Kombuis picks an all female Springbok Rugby team [with the exception of Nataniël on Number Eight].
“We have women in South Africa to beat anyone in the whole world,” he says. That was 20 years ago and it’s still funny. Have a listen:
Front Row
1. Loose Head Prop: Jean Middelvinger [Dead Lucky, Goodnight Wembley]
When it comes to being a loose head, Middelvinger is number 1. He’s always uploading Facebook selfies while smoking, spilling and mainlining skyf. He’s got some meat on his bones, he can bliksem the drums, and when poes comes to shove in the scrums, he’ll be able to bliksem the opposition as well.
2. Hooker: Rudi Dennis [Akkedis, The Lyzyrd Kyngz]
Rudi’s been carried so many times by a guy on either side of him – he’ll be a pro at locking down between the two props. Hard as nails and with all the experience counting in his favour – Rudi would make an excellent hooker. He won’t be able to play a full 80-minute game, but hey, that’s why there’s a reserve bench.
3. Tight Head Prop: Francois Breytenbach Blom [K.O.B.U.S, V.O.D]
Front rows are all about power and intimidation and I can’t think of a better way to complete this front-pack than with the guy who shouts: “K.O.B.U.S GAAN JOU NAAI!” Just imagine that satanic power grunt as he locks down in the scrum. Terrifying. Fokken Main.
4. & 5. Locks: Schalk Joubert and Schalk van der Merwe
If the backbone in the band is the bassist, then these two experienced bottom-end boomers will be the perfect backbone for the scrum. Joubert and Van der Merwe started out in the same team together when they played for Billygoat in the 90s. If called up now without any rehearsal or set-list, both of them could jol a headline set with Valiant Swart, Koos Kombuis, Anton Goosen, Karen Zoid or just about anyone. And they’re both tall. Solid. Versatile.
6. Blind Side Flanker: Kobus de Kock Jnr. [Black Cat Bones]
Dynamite comes in small packages. The Black Cat Bones singer could play an 80-minute game with extra time if needed – no sweat for a frontman who can still rock a graveyard set after 2AM. Also the perfect harmoniser for Breytenbach Blom’s intimidating power-grunts in the scrum-downs. Although he’s small – he’s very agile, a skillful fetcher and a wild card jumper in the line outs.
7. Open Side Flanker: André Kriel [Black Cat Bones]
What De Kock Jnr. lacks in size, Kriel makes up for in attitude and badassism. If you want something done in the breakdowns, you gonna need a guy from Silverton. Have you ever experienced his signature state of horries? Beware.
8. Number Eight: Kyle Gray [The Rudimentals, Fox Comet, William Welfare Band]
Don’t be fooled by this reggae drummer’s brotherly-love attitude, put him in a rock or metal band and he’ll release his inner power ANIMAL. He can control an 11-piece band like The Rudimentals from the back just as good as the ball at the back of the scrums. And he’s one tall motherfucker.
Backline
9. Scrumhalf: Francios van Coke [Fokofpolisiekar, Van Coke Kartel]
He’s short enough to reach into the scrums and just like occupying the whole stage during a Fokof gig, he can occupy the whole field. If the ball is like a gig, he’ll always be where the ball is. He also played scrumhalf in Fokofpolisiekar’s “Tevrede”-video. So, there you go.
10. Fly Half: Wynand Myburgh (C) [Fokofpolisiekar, Van Coke Kartel]
Myburgh is a good decision-maker on and off the stage…or field in this case. If he can kick the air like that – he could kick a rugby ball.
11. Left Wing: Jaco Mans [Tidal Waves, Die See, Fake Leather Blues Band, Southern Gypsey Queen]
When it comes to the wings you need a guy who’s as fast as lightning up and down the neck. Mans would also be able to bend himself around the corner flags for a try just as good as he bends those strings.
12. Inside Centre: Arthur Dennis [Akkedis, The Lyzyrd Kyngs]
Firstly Arthur would make sure that his brother and the team’s hooker Rudi Dennis gets to the game on time. He’s very skillful at breaching the defense because of his experience in breaching and dodging the law for years. Catch him if you can.
13. Outside Centre: Theo Crous [Springbok Nude Girls, K.O.B.U.S]
Being a player and a producer means that this versatile legend can orchestrate attacking strategies and partake in them at the same time. Cool-headed decision-maker and wild man with ball [axe] in hand.
14. Right Wing: Albert Frost [Blues Broers, Albert Frost Trio]
A virtuoso-conspirer who put his red and yellow card days behind him to focus on what matters the most – scoring those tries. Also fast as lightning up and down the neck. Very strong under the highball.
15. Full Back: George van der Spuy [Taxi Violence, Good Night Wembley]
A master under the highball and a very good leader from behind. Also the official supplier of the team’s practice field: Kill City Balls.
Reserve Bench
16. Conrad Jamneck [Fake Leather Blues Band]
17. Wouter van de Venter
18. Basson Laubscher [Violent Free Peace, Valiant Swart Band]
19. Gareth Wilson [Southern Gypsey Queen]
20. Ard Matthews
21. Arno Carstens
22. Jack Parow
Coaching Staff
Head Coach: Piet Botha
Team Manager: Dirk Ace, Line Out Coach: Anton Goosen
Kicking Coach: Valiant Swart
Scrum Coach: Koos Kombuis
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